Thing 2: "What is an itch? Is it like nerves that are playing tickle tag?"

Thing 2: "I do everything, and I do it flawlessly!"

Thing 1: "I don’t really do sarcasm. When I say something ridiculous, I mean it."

Did you try the the polenta? 

Thing 2: Isn’t that baby caterpillars?

Thing 2: "I'm really good at makeup. I'm not so good at keeping it on my face."

Thing 2: "A shotgun is a gun that shoots in the past tense."

Thing 2 to Barbara: "Can I FaceTime Dad? " Barbara: "Sure, but I don't want you to become annoying."  Thing 2: "That's okay. I'm his kid. I'm already annoying."

Thing 1 watching our dog digging: "Careful, Gruffus, you might get all the way to China, and you know what they eat down there..."

Thing 1: I used to say things exactly as the sounded. It made me pretty much illegible.

Thing 2: "What's jambalaya? It sounds like a clown food."

Thing 2: "The Internet is for showing bad ideas and a little bit of learning."

Thing 1: "If my whole body were a sentence, I would feel highlighted."

After saying we should try something challenging, Thing 1 replies, "Let's do nothing. For
kids that's crazy challenging."

After I hurt my back, Thing 2 referred to me as the "Hunch Back Whale."

Thing 2: "Sometimes I think how lucky I am to be me and to be a kid in this time. And what it would be like to see me from your perspective."

On telling her that picking up new skills seems to come easy to her, Thing 1 responds:

"You think it's easy? All this perfection? I'll tell you what it takes to be perfect... It takes thought.  It takes concentration. It takes attempt number 1, followed by a frustration freak out. Then, more thinking. Some brooding. And then - finally - perfection. So yeah, if you think it comes easy - I want to know hard."

Thing 2's definition of reincarnation: repersonating. 

Thing 1: "I could play and be happy, or just fall back into a life of eternal bordism. Your choice." 

Thing 1 on meditation: "I'm not so into clearing my mind - I just like thinking too much."

Thing 1: "I wish something interesting would happen. Right now, it's just school, summer, life - dead."

Thing 1: "A burp just died in my mouth."

Thing 2 on how she stays so calm in class: "I save all my wiggles for the weekend!"

Thing 1: "If you give a girl flowers, what do you give a guy? Dude roots?"

Thing 1: "I'm working on making my cool rule my good."

Thing 1's skateboard instructor: you need to work on your wheelies.

Thing 1: But I'm not good at them.

Instructor: The only way you can get better is by practicing.

Thing 1: I am practicing ... my excuses.

Thing 1: Music really effects me. A song that's good and hard just makes me want to punch stuff. But, something la te da, makes me want to punch the singer.

Thing 2 to her mom: Thank you for borning me.

Thing 2 just asked me for for a website's username and assword.

Thing 1's new word: Decompustulate - To take something apart in order to get at all the cool parts inside.

Thing 1: "It's better to be good at karate than to tease the ones who are..."

On analyzing Grandma's choice of nail polish, Thing 2: "Sorry, that color purple does not work with your wrinkles..."

Thing 1: "Want to know how children interact without emotionally damaging each other? We physically damage each other."

Thing 1: I know the purpose of life: To become your future self.

Thing 2: "You know what I think? Grandma's still just a kid -- only pressed through a lot of years..."

Thing 1: "I flew so high on that swing that I left my stomach behind!"

On being told a movie is too "off color" for her:

Thing 2: Are you kidding?! I watched Pacific Rim and that had no bright colors! Sure, there was blue - but it was dark blue!"

Thing 1: "Negotiation is how I cry."

"What goes through your head when you think of these things?"

Thing 2: "Oh, yeah, that.  A dragon."

"Uhm, what?"

Thing 2: "Yup.  A dragon.  It flies right by sayin' "Hey sexy lady!"

Thing 1: "I think it's time I had an ear bending with you."

Thing 2: "Today, I feel close to the sky."

Instead of counting sheep, here's Thing 1's sleep routine: "I think of atoms. Then, atoms making atoms.  Then, of a giant fuzzy ring in space.  Really, it's anything sciency slammed right against anything fuzzy..."

Thing 1:  What's Ideology?  Is that when people follow idiots?

Getting started on Mom's birthday dinner of nachos and pumpkin pie, Thing 1: "We're about to embarf on a gastronomic adventure!"

Thing 2: "We're all buddies on this weird world."

Thing 1: "I think the color of love is black. That means I have a stone cold black heart. It's basically just a black hole."

Thing 1: "Daddy, why do they call kids, double urine?"

"What?!"

"I talking about "pee wee."   I mean, we're already small; no need to be mean about it."

Thing 1: "Childhood is the best 'hood."

Started teaching Thing 1 poker.  She's already spotted my tell, which she describes as "clamps in my cheeks."

Life of a writer dad as seen from Thing 1: "Jeez, you deal with us and then write in your tiny office all day?  No thanks.  When I grow up, I'm going to be a wife so I can just go to work!"

Thing 1:  "Why when kids meet, is the first topic always our injuries?"

Most of her class made Gingerbread Men.  Thing 1 made "a monkey with a mohawk and horns, doing the splits and flexing."

After my hesitation on her asking for yet another encyclopedia, Thing 1 says, "It's information!  Are you really going to deny a child information!?"

Thing 1 catches her reflection in a window: "Wow!  My eyes are adorable!"

Thing 2:  "Yeah, Daddy, Lord of the Rings is just not my style."

Thing 2 on seeing a Christmas card of two people petting chetahs: "Oh My Gosh!  You know chetahs?!  Can I meet them?"

Thing 1: "I am a master of karate, and the maker of peace."

At the zoo, we see the mangled corpse of what may have been a bunny in the eagles' habitat.  Asked what it is, I say, "That's what eagles eat."

Thing 1 responds, "Or, maybe what they excrete."

After being regaled by Thing 1's latest flight of fancy, Thing 2 says, "Oh my gosh, you're a dream-ius!" 

Thing 1:  "You guys kiss on the lips?!  I'm NEVER getting married!"

Poem by Thing 1:

Get, Get, Get don't Give!

A million years later...

I have lived a long, sad life of getting.

Thing 2 to step-Granddad: "The lines on your forehead look like the ocean."

Then to Grandma: "And yours look like a rainbow!"

Thing 1: "My two funniest words are ducky-momo and fart!"

Thing 1: "The only thing that's impossible is impossibility."

Dad: "I'd like you to start washing your own hair."

Thing 1: "Yeah well, I like to be served, so I guess we both got our thing."

Thing 1: "Oh, I don't need to act like a bully to be your nemesis!"  Cue villainous laughter.

Dad, on seeing a reporter getting pummeled by Sandy o TV: "Definitely the rookie on the team."

Thing 1:  "No doubt.  That's one heck of a rickety reporter test, right there."

After the soccer ball goes off the field, Thing 1: "Stop!  Can't play there.  That ball's out of bounce!"

Dad, post kid-fit, "Okay, let's turn this day around."

Thing 1: "No problem, just get rid of gravity!"

Thing 1: Know what love is?  It's the people that give me purpose.

Thing 2: Yeah, well, I'd marry anything!

Thing 2:  "You know the one thing I don't like about police cars?  The bad guys in their trunks aren't dead."

- You can't go out like that.  Your hair's a mess.

Thing 2:  "Yeah, well, my world's a crazy hair world!"

Thing 1: "You know what the scariest word is?  If."

Why

"Because, there's always a What If..."

Thing 1: "Life's perfect the way it is but the really complicated part is: what is life?"

Thing 2: "What's that thing that goes really, really high?  Oh - I know: a wedgie!

Thing 2 on watching the Olympic gymnasts, "All these girls, they look like dolls.  And wow, do they hug a lot.  Even when they haven't done so good."

Then, later:  "It's really impressive, you know.  They're so crazy short, but they can still do all those things!"

On catching me flexing, Thing 1: "Careful, if you do that long enough, you're going to poop!"

Thing 1, while sporting Groucho Marx glasses: "You know how people can say stuff that's both wise and ridiculous at the same time?  I kinda dig that." 

After I tell her about my day, Thing 1: "Seems like you need to spend more time getting pen to paper.  That's your job, right?"

Thing 1:  You call it platypus, I call it the mix-match animal.

Thing 1: My throat feels like a spit desert!

Thing 1: "When's Mommy coming home?  'Cause I want real answers to my questions.  I need to be scienced up!"

Thing 2: "Your friend, Dax, is so tall, he's going to crack our roof with his big, giraffe neck!"

Thing 1: "What if our whole deal - life - was just a big movie.  Comedy, tragedy, you name it."

Thing 1: "The bathroom stinks!," to which Thing 2 replies in total deadpan, "That's 'cause I pooped it up."

Thing 1: "But, Daddy, I'm too attached to Rock now.  I can't sing pretty anymore!"

- You've got to wipe your butt better, it stinks.  Thing 2: "But that's exactly what a butt's for: to stink!"

Listening to Nirvana's Come as You Are, Thing 1: "That's the rockiest song of all songs!"

Thing 1: "It's not the top bunk that's boring. Turns out it's the going to bed deal that's driving me nuts. Bummer, huh?"

After their first experience with astronaut ice cream, both girls decided it should be named, icetronaut ass cream.

Thing 1: "it hurts a lot. Seriously."

Dad: I believe you.

Thing 1: "Yeah well maybe I should talk with mom about this. She's the one who knows all about headaches. At least that's what she tells me."

Thing 1: "I'm thinking about a robot dog. And what would it poop? I guess bolts and screws and stuff. Jeez, that's kinda my perfect pet. Cause then I wouldn't be dragging you to the hardware store every moment."

Before jumping into a cold pool Thing 1 says, "Here goes something I know
I'm going regret."

After jumping, "I didn't regret it! I love myself for that! I love my booty for
jumping me in!"

"Do you have any more questions?"

Thing 1: "No, but I have like a million comments."

Thing 1: "I want to be a vampire but not hurt anyone. A good vampire."

"So what would you eat?"

Thing 1: "Bread. Muhahaha, I want to suck your bread!"

Thing 2: "I want to be a vampire but not hurt anyone. A good vampire."

"So what would you eat?"

Thing 2: "Bread. Muhahaha, I want to suck your bread!"

Thing 2 stops cold on seeing a family of six trying to get into their car and says, "You know, I think two kids are enough."

After trying to describe Mommy's degree in epidemiology, Thing 1 says, "So, you're like a black belt in health."

Thing 2:  "You know what I need?  Waffles and salami!"

Thing 2: "Daddy, life is pain.  Actually, you know what's better than life is pain? Life is flowery. Also, mean cats are inappropriate."

Thing 1:  "I really want you to help me with an invention I'm working on."

"Of course!  Are you still working on the pulley for your playhouse?"

Thing 1:  "Finished that up. Now, I want to build a laser that can light up the moon."

"Uhm, that might take more material than we have in the back yard."

Thing 1: "That's true.  We'll have to go inside, 'cause I'm thinking we make it out of cleaning products."